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Episode 8/Transcript
(Young versions of Brittnay, Mackenzie, and Shay are sitting in a sandbox) Brittnay, Mackenzie, and Shay: School days, school days, dear old golden rule days— (Rachel walks over) Rachel: La la la, I love the O.C. so much! Mackenzie: Oh my God, Rachel, did you see last night's episode? Rachel: Of course Mackenzie. Brittnay came over to my house to watch it. Brittnay: I cannot believe that Julie Cooper is having sex with her daughter's ex-boyfriend! Mackenzie: I know! Right, Shay Van Buren?! (pan over to a crying Shay) Shay? Brittnay: Oh my God, Shay Van Buren, are you ok? Shay: I just—I just really miss my hair you guys. Mackenzie: Hey, it's only lice. It'll grow back. Brittnay: Yeah, I still can't believe that your mom didn't know that they make a shampoo for lice. Shay: She said this is easier, you know, she said she just gets really emotional when she's pregnant. And drunk. (beat) Do you think anyone will notice I'm bald? Mackenzie: (walks over) Hmm, no. Rachel: (walks over) Not at all. Brittnay: You're fucking kidding right? Mackenzie: Brittnay! Jesus Christ! Brittnay: What? Shay: My mom said it's about time people start feeling sorry for me. She said, if it keeps growing at its current rate, in two weeks I can have extensions. Mackenzie: Oh, well, that's good. Brittnay: Yeah, that'll seem totally natural. (Matthew and Tanner walk over) Matthew: Excuse me ladies. My friend Tanner and I were looking to round up some folks for a game of Red Rover, and/or Duck Duck Goose. Does that sound like something any of you might be interested in? Mackenzie: Okay, you wanna know what, Matthew Derringer? You have the worst timing ever. We're kind of dealing with a situation here. I don't know if you've noticed, but one of us is bald. Matthew: Oh. Well the last thing I want to do is offend any of you beautiful ladies. I feel terrible about this. I will walk away, and leave you in peace. Tanner, looks like we're playing Pokémon cards again. Tanner: Sweet. I just got a new Charizard card. (Tanner walks off) Matthew: I look forward to seeing that. (Matthew walks off) Mackenzie: You guys! Are you, like, so excited for cheer tryouts today? Brittnay: Oh my God, I have choreographed the most amazing routine set to the song "Tipsy" by Jae Kwon. Shay: Oh, I love that song! Mackenzie: I am getting super bendy, you guys. I can put my feet behind my head and look like a pretzel. Rachel: I prepared a monologue! Brittnay: But we all know that Shay Van Buren, you are going to blow all of us away! Shay: Oh, you guys, I don't know... Mackenzie: Please, Shay. You know you're gonna get head cheerleader. Shay: You guys, I don't know, I don't know— Brittnay: Come on, your sister Cameron was head cheerleader. Rachel: Your mom, Mrs. Van Buren, was head cheerleader. Mackenzie: Your great Aunt Ruth was head cheerleader. Brittnay: Face it, Shay, you're gonna be our next head cheerleader for the next nine years. Mackenzie: And I just want you to know, here and now, if I am given the opportunity, it will be an honor—an honor—to serve on your squad. Brittnay: Ditto for me. Rachel: And me as well! Shay: We band of sisters! I love you guys! Matthew: Alright, well look, this is some bullshit right here! Everybody knows that a Jigglypuff cannot be beaten by a Mechatoad! Tanner: Sorry Matthew! Hand over your card. Matthew: Like hell I will, you sing-songy son of a bitch! I paid five dollars for this card! Do you have any idea how many Yu-Gi-Oh packs I could have bought with five dollars! Tanner: Matthew! Matthew, I won! Those are the rules! Matthew: You won nothing, Christiansen. Tanner: I won your card fair and square, so hand it over before I bitch slap the black out of you. Matthew: Oh well now you did it. Now you've done and did it. Tanner: Matthew, I won, now give me the card. Matthew: Figure out how to speak, you're nine years old, god dammit! Tanner: Listen. Listen up, Derringer. Matthew: Not even close. Tanner: Don't make fun of my speech impediment. Matthew: Oh man. It's so hard not to. Tell me one more time to hand over my Pokemon card. Go ahead. Try me. Tanner: Hand. It. Over. Matthew: I now unleash upon you the full fury of my greatest weapon. My Ryan Cabrera Promotional Hacky-Sack. Derringerrrrr!!!!! Shay: (singing) Everybody in the club getting tipsy—''(The hacky sack hits her in the head)'' Aaah! Son of a bitch! Bastard! Aaah! Why me? Why me? Does God hate me? Oh Jesus Christ! Brittnay: Oh my God! Shay are you ok? Shay: What? Mackenzie: She said, oh my God, Shay, are you ok? Shay: What? Brittnay: What the fuck is wrong with you?! Throwing hacky-sacks all around willy-nilly like this was the goddamned X-Games, Derringer! (Brittnay begins beating Matthew up) Matthew: Ow! Ow! Stop hitting me! Please! It was an accident! Ow! Ow, your little hands are like tiny hammers. Get off of my head! Rachel: Shay Van Buren are you going to be able to go to cheer tryouts today? Rachel: What? Fucking stand on the other side of me. Mackenzie: I think you should go to the nurses' office. Shay: But what about cheer tryouts?! Mackenzie: Don't worry, I'm sure everything will work itself out just fine. (gasps) Was that the bell? Shay: What? I didn't hear a fucking thing! Mackenzie: (gasps) It's worse than we thought. Rachel! Brittnay! Let's go. (Brittnay is seen making out with Matthew) Mackenzie: Brittnay! (Brittnay stops kissing Matthew) Brittnay: Okay, one second! Listen, never throw a hacky sack on the playground again! Matthew: Whatever the lady wants, the lady gets. (Shay is seen in present day) Shay: That day, Mackenzie Zales was named head cheerleader of the Meadow Lane Elementary Mustangs, a title which she has carried to this day. I am the first in my family to never carry the title of head cheerleader and because of her I never will. So to answer your question, Deandra, that is why I hate Mackenzie Zales so. Fucking. Much. Deandra: Cool. Well, I don't want to be rude, but that story was very long, and much more involved than I originally thought it would be, and I've had to poop through most of it. So if you'll excuse me. (Rachel is seen as a young child again in the sandbox) Rachel: Oh, hello roly-poly. (Rachel is heard eating something) Brittnay: Did you, ugh! Did you just eat a roly-poly? Rachel: What? No, I—I—I—I—I just—I— Brittnay: No. No. Okay, Rachel, no. We are no longer friends. Ever. Because you are fucking gross. (Rachel starts crying)